she was so not down for the gang bang
my phone needs a breathalizer
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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