i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
