just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
