Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
