she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I have demons in me.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
