Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
