Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
