After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
