just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
last night I used snow as a chaser
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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