i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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