What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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