i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
