ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
