I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
