apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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