I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
