the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just gargled with NyQuil
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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