Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
