I want to make a zoo with you.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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