How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
