And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
