Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
