I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
