I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
