I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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