Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
