I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize