I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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