What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
