piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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