so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
