y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
