literally had 100 drinks last night.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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