you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
