guys are not supposed to queef...right?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
