I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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