1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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