I have demons in me.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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