Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
