Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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