One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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