Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
