You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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