I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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