this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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