You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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