I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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