Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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