Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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