xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
