I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Is Oprah even human
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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