My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
