omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
