So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
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he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
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I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.