And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.