considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your shirt... Was in my pants