I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Im part way to drunk.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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