Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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