I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
